Friday, December 22, 2017

Where's the Line?

So, I slowly seem to be crawling out of this hole I've been languishing in for most of the year. I've started engaging with other humans. I actually go out to events. I even sometimes get out of bed during the day. I've started playing again, and with new people. Still haven't crawled back on the fitness wagon, but baby steps, I suppose.

As a result getting back into playing, my libido has kind of skyrocketed. I tend to be fairly libidinous normally, but not having a real outlet anymore has got me stirred up into a sort of sub frenzy. Not in the same way that you might think of, of just accepting the collar of whatever happens to show up. I'm too OCD for that, but my brain keeps going to what I can and can't do with play partners. Or rather, what I can feasibly do and retain my core values.

I have my codes, and I try to stick with them.

I'm trying to figure out how far I can let myself go with someone who could never be a romantic partner for me and keep my codes. Sex is off the table. I know that much. Sex is too...sticky for me. There are too many emotions wrapped up in that degree of intimacy. I view the joining of two bodies as a sharing of souls, and I inevitably develop more intense feelings for those I give my body to. I can't engage in casual sex for this reason. I find people too addicting, and being monogamous, becoming addicted to humans that belong to others is decidedly dangerous.

I tend to be more comfortable with more intimate play as I get closer to a play partner, but I've never quite gotten to the point where sex toys have come up. Wands, dildos, plugs, and such. Part of me, the frenzied part, I'm sure, really wants to go there. Because those things are always more fun when they're being used on you by someone else. Masturbation is well and good, but when your fantasies all skew in the CNC direction, there's quite a bit lacking there.

As a submissive masochist without having a dominant/sadist half, I've always felt a little selfish about being the one who receives all the sensations. Particularly when I don't reciprocate. I've been assured that toppy types get their unique jollies from stuff, but my brain is like, but I'm getting all the fun stuff. So that becomes another reason I hesitate to bring up more intimate forms of play.

I'm sure my bodily insecurities have more than a little to do with my fear of going there as well. I am also very conscious of the fact that pretty much all of the people I've played with are poly folks in established relationships. I don't want to unintentionally step over the line where that's concerned. But then I find myself hesitant to play with single men unless I find them viable relationship prospects because I don't want to foster emotions that won't come to anything. Also, playing with men that I'm not in a relationship with is new for me.

There's just so much conflict up here in my head about what is okay to ask of another and what is okay to ask of myself, what is okay to offer of myself, without compromising the rules which I have set for myself. How I can indulge in certain fantasies without crossing the line that would wound my soul. And, I suppose part of me is always afraid that people are indulging me rather than actually possessing a desire to do those things with me. I know that's ridiculous and irrational, but I have a lot of brain squirrels up here and they're loud as fuck. I'm bad at humans, okay?

I'm envious of those around me who have already managed to cultivate those play relationships where intense, intimate play isn't something that requires lots of internal deliberation. I hear others talk about the scenes they're planning, and I wish I had that. Or had that again. I had an easy play relationship like that a few times in my past, but they tended to be people I had taught, so scenes were limited in scope and I often did pretty much all of the planning. There's something alluring about experienced d-types. The ability to try new things. Not feeling like I'm directing all of the action, because I really hate controlling all of it.

I think that's why negotiations often amount to "Here's my list of limits. Aside from that, do whatever the fuck you want." I can't say it's the best of strategies, but I get tired of being a teacher. I just want to be able to give up that control. I want to feel that vulnerability that flips so many of my "fuck yes" switches in my brain, and I can't do that when I have to be aware enough to correct technique or know when something's not going right.

Basically, I'm doing better, but I'm still really fucking confused about so many things.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

e[Lust] #101

CandySnatchReview for Elust 101

Photo courtesy of Candysnatch Reviews

Welcome to Elust 101-

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #102 Start with the rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Email from my ex-boy


Two’s Company, Three’s A Crowd


~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Why should we call ourselves sinners?
Repeated Patterns

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Fuck Yourself


*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Fiction

The Red Chair ~ A Cuckold’s Story – Part 1
Caught Part 3: the punishment
Get up! Stand up!
Chastity Fiction: Aaron & Melissa

Body Talk and Sexual Health

The 39 Days
Do Not Delete

Thoughts and Advice on Kink & Fetish

Tooth and nail
Event Horizons
Bee’s wax

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Sex Q&A: An Adventure into Ass Play
She was poisoned by your utter indifference.
Orally Ambiguous



Erotic Non-Fiction

Walk in, beat him, leave
What Is My Dream Trying to Tell Me?
Thought of Her
The Biter




Elust 88

Friday, December 15, 2017

A Festive First Bite

The local scene has regular rope nights every week where they teach different techniques. I haven't attended for the most part because it's an hour drive and, since I work nights, I'd have to leave early to get to work on time. I decided top pop up this last week though and volunteer as tribute, and popped my rope cherry in the process. I'm interested to see what other binds I can get myself into. I had to do a heavy edit on the marks to get them to show up, but here's the unedited tie photo as well.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

My First and Only Experience with Canes

Seven years ago, I was in the first couple months of my first bdsm relationship, my first relationship, period, actually. I'd been on Fetlife for a bit longer, but I was still new. I was in the BDSM on a Budget group, and ran across the $1 toy thread. One of the things mentioned was a plastic candy cane yard decoration. you can still find them today. I got mine at Walmart, but I see them most often at Dollar Trees.

It's about 3 feet (~1 meter) long and made of multicolored braided plastic. I had never played with canes, and my experience with most toys was limited, but I was eager to try out new things and I was still in the NRE phase of my relationship.

My dom at the time did that annoying thing of counting up numbers of strokes (that typically went undelivered), usually adding to the number for ridiculous reasons. We got a chance to be alone at my house a few days after Christmas. We had initially planned a day of kinky fuckery, but the night before where he camped out on my couch, I was so sick from some bad meat I'd had at lunch, I didn't get any sleep.

I mentioned being ill when we got up, but he wasn't having any of it. I don't remember exactly what we did before, but I think we showered together. He had decided that he was finally going to make good on at least part of his persistent threat of punishment.

He decided that he was going to use the cane I'd just bought. I believe he had mentioned it previously and I had implored that he not go too hard because it was a new toy, and I was still skittish from a previous punishment where he'd used a spike-studded leather belt. He said he would go a little easy.

He did not. I couldn't think much through the pain, but I think I managed to count 36 blows, 30 with the cane, 6 rather hard swats with his hand. I knew I'd started bawling only a few lashes in, maybe from the very first, probably from the shock of it. I remember trying to stand up at some point because I couldn't take it, and he popped me on the back with it to make me go back down.

He then decided a bit of dry anal was in order, and I think that was almost as unpleasant as the caning. At some point, he pulled me up and gave me a choice between continuing with that or sucking him off and swallowing. Under normal circumstances, I'd have never consented to ass to mouth, but at that point, I was so stressed by the whole experience and I really, really didn't want him to put it back in my ass, so I agreed to the alternative.

I knew how this was going to go, however, so I convinced him to move to the bathroom where I tried to do what he wanted. And, of course, the acrid taste and the slimy texture of his semen, combined with the stress and the fact that I was sick, I, of course, immediately threw up into the toilet I was kneeling beside.

That was my first and only experience with a cane. I've not been really up to trying it again in the intervening years. I have made them a hard limit with play partners. I've never established it as a hard limit within a relationship, but I've always been pretty clear about my distaste for them.

I might, at some point, become comfortable enough with someone to try them during play, but I'd probably have to be tied down first.

It annoys me that so many things have been tainted by those first experiences. I carry a lot of issues from that first relationship to this day, and I really wish I didn't, but I'm not sure how to discard it.

But, anyway, that's the story behind my hatred of canes.